Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Pregnancy Rant

You knew it was coming. Have I got some thoughts to get out on being pregnant! They may not be what you think.

Disclaimer: These are my opinions ONLY! The things I’m poking fun at are funny to me. They are funny to me especially if I think of myself doing or saying them. This is not personal or aimed at anyone in particular.

“We’re Pregnant”
This is probably my GREATEST pet peeve. I should have saved it for last. Ladies and gentleman: “WE” are NOT pregnant! Couples say this all the time – drives me batty! I’ll say it again for emphasis: “WE” are NOT pregnant. Only women get pregnant. I can tolerate “we” are going to have a baby in certain contexts. It must be clear however that that the “have a baby” part refers to with whom the baby will live and who will raise him/her.

“We” is entirely overused when it comes to pregnancy. Men are trying to be involved and some, perhaps, want to be included. But “We” NOT pregnant!!!!

In Continuing with the overuse of “we” – “We’ve Decided to Get an Epidural”
Men usually say this one. When I know the guy pretty well, I usually come back with, “Wow! What hospital are you using that they give the men epidurals too?”

People don’t use the word “we” when referring to male medical procedures or procedures less romanticized. Of course I have examples. If one member of a couple has a medical test done, the other rarely wants “in” on it. “Sorry, Susan, we can’t have dinner tonight. We’re having a colonoscopy tomorrow and we’re taking heavy duty laxatives tonight.” Even better, “Sorry Susan, I can’t have lunch with you, we’re having our prostate exam today.” People would think you were crazy and ridiculous.

Only slightly less maddening is when the man says, “I’ve decided to let my wife have an epidural.” OK that one is not less maddening; it’s completely equal to the previous. I’d be careful with such sweeping statements as that. The wife might have some input on what is acceptable for your next prostate or Viagra issue.

We live in such an empathic, egalitarian and guilty society when it comes to men and pregnancy. It takes a man to make a baby. It takes a man to raise a baby. But no matter how many “we’s” are used, when it comes right down to it – men are not required in the 40-odd weeks it takes to grow a baby! They just are not. Oh yeah, I said it. Our Omniscient and All-Good God created woman to have the babies. We’re OK with that. Men should be too.
Excessive Pregnancy Jubilance
These are mainly pulled from the “we know but we’re not telling” group mentioned in the video. Who are these women with their great moods and dispositions? Frankly, I’m not buyin’ it. You’ve met them. “I’ve never felt better or more beautiful in my life.” I look at them with consternation and disbelief.

Ever seen the show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”? If not, here’s the premise. Even today, women go for 9 months and fail to realize they are pregnant. Then they either have the child in an odd place or in odd circumstances, or they go to the hospital which unexplainable extreme abdominal pain. And yes, I LOVE the show. I mention this because in all of these cases when the women look back on their mystery pregnancy they didn’t feel the best they’ve ever felt in their lives. Never felt better in your life… I’ve never heard of such a thing. But I would like some of whatever they are smoking ingesting or shooting up, however.

Let Me Tell You About My Natural Child Birth...
I know many, many women who don’t widely use pain medication. In everything from dental work to child birth they just endure (Bless their hearts!). That’s just who they are. They are consistently this way.

There are also those women, we ALL know them, who want it drug free so that they can tell you about it and gloat, or compliment themselves. Why? Not sure, but I’ve got theories.

I’m convinced that some women go without pain medication NOT for the health of the baby, NOT because that decision fits their particular lifestyle, but to prove to themselves and others that they can do it. I find that logic irritating. I’ve never really bought into the “curse of Eve” thing either. I think God works a little differently.

A couple of years ago a good friend was pregnant. “They” were researching “their” pain management options and he asked me if I had an epidural. I laughed to myself because I knew his wife, my good friend, was going to do whatever she needed to do when push came to shove (pun intended). Plan be damned. Anyway, here’s what I told her husband. “Yeah, I had an epidural. I know you get a certificate and gold star if you don’t have one. But a friend of mine recently got her certificate and it was just a cheesy certificate printed on a home computer. Her name was even spelled wrong. And the gold star was made China and was coated in lead based paint so the baby couldn’t even play with it.”

I give a hearty belly laugh (these days for sure) when I think of myself hiring a dula. I try to be a good Southern woman and I don’t want someone who’s acquaintance I’ve only made a couple of times to see me in a state of labor – even if I’m paying said person.

Who would I want to hire? I would love to hire a sommelier for directly after the “blessed event.” When I have my first libation and toast to the new Cadle, I want the wine to be the perfect one. I think a professional should be consulted.

If things wrap up early afternoon and it’s a sunny day and there’s some decent food around perhaps a crisp white wine might be the choice. Perhaps a vino verde?

If the time for toasting comes at twilight – feels like merlot. The middle of the night might call for the more complex flavors of a cabernet. I don’t know. I that’s why I’d hire a sommelier!

Alright rant over! I’ve got to move on. Anyone have the name of an on call sommelier in the Chattanooga area?

1 comment:

  1. I love those girls and their videos! I love what you said about the epidural...when you have a baby, you have a baby. Doesn't matter if you felt ever bit of it or not! Or where the baby comes out of. That's another one that bugs me. I didn't have a c-section but I know plenty of ladies who feel like they missed out. They didn't miss out! They had major surgery!