Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Stuck in a Moment…

Everyone’s life has a soundtrack. Mine always includes practically anything by U2. I love the biting and hauntingly melodic guitar. I lose myself in the poetic lyrics that make a song about a hangover sound like a love song.

So right now I find myself “Stuck in a Moment.”

I think we all have moments when we say, “Is this really my life?” Or, “Is this really what I wanted?” Or even still, “So this is what I asked for, but what the hell was I thinking?” Usually these feelings are fleeting, but much like the U2 song, I find myself stuck in a moment and I can’t get out of it.

This all came crashing down on me last week when I was dispatched to the store to get medicine. In the pouring rain, with a screaming baby I plod to the store for one item. You can probably guess what that was. I feel that if you are at the store for this one item and one item alone you should get to skip to the front of the line because either the purchaser or someone the purchaser knows really needs it. With the rain and the screaming child I practically run from the store and get home to find I DID NOT make it home with the medicine. So back out I go, screaming baby in tow to get the goods.

“Calgone take me away!” doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling. It was more of an incandescent rage caused by my own carelessness. I truly felt my sanity slipping away. Months of frustration came to a head in that moment. You hear sometimes of women who up divorce their husbands, leave the kids and just run away. I’ve never understood that feeling – until recently.

I started wondering what could be making me want to thumb my nose at life and catch the first bus, plane or train to anywhere. I think I know – BOREDOM! Boredom and a healthy dose of, “I used to be somebody!”

Boredom is like a pitiless zooming in on the epidermis of time.  Every instant is dilated and magnified like the pores of the face.   ~Charlotte Whitton

Having a baby in the house, although exhausting, is pretty mind numbingly boring. Calculating the number of hours between feedings and the number of diapers in a day isn’t exactly higher math. Trying to discern why the baby is crying is, I know, one of the most asked questions of all time, but it’s not really a deep philosophical question. Most of the thinking new moms do, I’d wager, doesn’t cause the synapses of the brain to fire overmuch.

Being pretty much housebound for months hasn’t helped. I was home before the baby because I was too fat to do anything else. Home with the baby after he came. Then it snowed. Then it was Christmas and all the family was here. Then is snowed and snowed. Many days I don’t have a meaningful conversation with anyone – even husband. Again, diapers, feedings and spit up don’t make for good topics of discussion.

Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is.  ~Thomas Szasz
I find myself remembering a better time when, looking back, I realize that, “I used to be somebody.” Before moving to the Greater Tri-State area, I had three jobs (at least) at a time. I did them all from home. I had so much to do that Bruce went to preschool most days all day long. So I worked and worked, served on boards and committees and was a volunteer at my church and in the community. “No” was a word I rarely used but considered trying to learn to use it.

Remember years ago there was a series of MasterCard commercials. The first one was the best. I cannot find it on YouTube. A beautiful woman looks into the camera and issues a challenge. She says, “MasterCard, I’m bored!” Then it’s up to MasterCard to dispense with the beautiful lady’s boredom. With the help of MasterCard she flutters off to Vale, Paris, Rome and has the best meals, tickets to shows and the best accommodations. So now I issue the same challenge to Cleveland, Tennessee. Cleveland, Tennessee – I’M BORED! Let’s work together to remedy it. My MasterCard sure can’t handle it.

Right now I’m channeling the words to the song – “When the night runs over – when the day won’t last – when you way should falter along the stony pass. It’s just a moment, this time will pass.”

I sure hope he's right about the moment passing!

No comments:

Post a Comment