Post Mother’s Day Confession

I’ve REALLY been needing to blog lately.  The time has escaped me.  I felt guilty posting this yesterday, on Mother’s Day.  But today is another day – thank goodness.  Here’s the confession – I love my boys every day, but lately I don’t like them.  Hardly.at.all….  There I said it.  Judge me if you will, but you know you’ve been there.  Right now I’m praying for a full time job for scores of reasons, but among them is that I would have childcare during the day and perhaps, PERHAPS I might enjoy them a bit more during the time I had with them.

CONFESSION #1

Here’s how it breaks down.  The 7 year old is all smart mouth, toilet humor and fart noises – constantly.  I know, I know, that’s just males as a gender.  Seven year olds are prone to this behavior especially.  This I know.  But as Husband can attest I’ve never thought this was funny-EVER- and it just ticks me off, frankly that I can’t make him stop.  Don’t get me started about his father goading him on.  I guess in some (most) ways I was born older. 

That little one…. Oh my that little one…  I’m fairly certain he’s either plotting to kill me or to see that I end up at Moccasin Bend (the local mental hospital).  While awake he has two settings.  Those settings are whine and cry.  Save from the rare occurrences when he gives me a wolfish grin and then kisses me and says, “Mama.” It’s probably part of his master plan.   Speaking candidly, I prefer cry.  Whining is worse than nails on a chalkboard.  I can block out the crying.  But the whining...  Paging Moccasin Bend…..  And to top it all off, he hits me.  He hits his brother he hits the dogs.  Big brother runs in the other direction if he comes vaguely in his direction with a toy.  “Reed’s gonna clobber me!  Helllllpppp!!!!”  I feel the same way.  I feel the same way...

CONFESSION #2

I have a favorite child.  Yep.  I said it.  I sure as heck do.  But here’s the thing – it changes constantly.  Lately the favorite is who’s irritating me the least.  I’ll admit that is Mr. Fart Noises.  Why?  Elementary!  He’s in (Elementary) school until 2:45.  Ergo I have to endure the crudity for a short while in the morning and from about 3 o’clock on.  The whining is non-stop.  NON-STOP!  Even husband asked on Mother’s Day, “Does he do this all the time?  How do you deal with it?” 

What am I gonna do about it?  No idea.  Right now I intend to drink some wine and basque in the quiet that exists only when two boys are ostensibly sleeping and husband is out of town.  Night…

Sh*t Processed Moms Say

I saw this the other day and truly laughed out loud.  This lady and are from different sides of the tracks as they say, but I liked her automatically.  I LOVE someone who can laugh at herself.  I try to do that in this space.  Since this lady calls herself “crunchy,” I’ll be the opposite.  I’ll be processed.

Since I don’t make YouTube videos, someone feel free to make this into one starring me….

I give you:  Sh*t Processed Moms say:

·         Am I having an epidural?  Of course!  Honey, I’ve got one right now.

·         You had a baby at home in your bathtub?  Was the home scheduled for demolition the next day?  No!  AND you still live there – interesting.

·         A doula???  I think she'd get bored because I'm going to be on so so so many drugs.

·         Why would I want the baby to sleep in MY hospital room?  I’ve got him every night from   NOW ON!  Go ahead and watch him in the nursery tonight.

·         Lactation consultant….  Is that an employee at Starbucks who find the perfect milk to pair with your coffee for the bolus of caffeine I’m about to consume?

·         Eat my placenta?  Are you daft?  Are you a cannibal?  No!  You’re a daft cannibal!

·         Extended breast feeding – Oh like until 6 months???

·         Co-sleeping…  What’s that?  I paid a lot of money for that crib and custom bedding.  Someone better dang well sleep on it!

·         Are you serious?  Who knew you could use cloth diapers for something other than a burp cloth?

·         Homeopathic remedy for teething?  I don’t have a homeo-whatis, but I do have some motrin!

·         Hell no, I’m not going to the chicken pox party!  That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard lately!  Wait.  Will there be wine at the party?

·         Play date?  Sure!  Whose turn is it to bring wine?

·         What’s a nurse-in?

·         Hey!  Eat your chicken nuggets before you eat any junk!

·         That nugget is still good.  The 5 second rule totally applies! 

·         2 words:  BABY – SITTER

§  Baby - Wise

§  Scheduled - Induction

§  Completely – Vaccinated

§  Deodorant-User

·         Why would I pour olive oil in his ear when it hurts?  That’s a waste of perfectly good olive oil, and besides, I’ve got Tylenol.

Crunchy Mom, you and I can have a play date anytime!  You bring the spirulina and I’ll bring the wine.