Thursday, October 7, 2010

All I Need to Know About Pregnancy I Learned from a Septuagenarian….

I’ve reached the part of pregnancy when women (mostly, but not exclusively) will tell me their unsolicited pregnancy/birth stories. Goody for me! Most of these anecdotes come from the 70+ set. Most have to do on the sex of the baby. I realize that births have been happening without modern medicine for centuries and many countries in the world today manage to bring children into the world with little “to do.” Perhaps the septuagenarian still harkens to this era and longs to share it with me.

Here are some of my favorite pregnancy “Old Wives Tales.” Many if not most have been proposed to me. You’ll have to excuse the cheesy cell phone pictures. The cord for my camera is MIA at the moment and this blog would have been much less effective without photos.

Old Wives Tale #1 - Heartburn
If a pregnant woman experiences heartburn throughout the 9 months of pregnancy, she’ll have a baby born with a full head of hair.

Looks like I’ll be having a bald baby

Old Wives Tale #2 – Full Moon
Full moon was believed to cause a woman to go into labor and give birth.

Husband fell for the one the other night. “We shouldn’t go out because the moon is full…”

Old Wives Tale #3 - Acne
If you have acne while pregnant, it’s a girl. It’s thought that acne during pregnancy is caused by the extra hormones.

Old Wives Tale #4 - Morning Sickness
If you had a smooth pregnancy with no morning sickness, it’s a boy. If you were sick or felt really nauseous during your pregnancy, count on a girl.

BULL – That’s all I gotta say

Now here are my favorites. People stop me in the grocery store, while working out, or at church to talk about this one..

Old Wives Tale #5 – Shape of Face
If your face gets fuller and rounder when pregnant, it means you’re going to have a girl. If your face is long and narrow, it’s a boy.

According to this one – It’s all pink

Old Wives #6 – Shape of Belly
If you are carrying high with a big, round belly, you are having a girl. If you are carrying low with a smaller belly that sticks straight out, it’s a boy.

Now the septuagenarians of the “Greater Tri-State” area have all weighed-in on this. I’ve been told that I’m big and round and have gained weight everywhere and it will obviously be a girl.(Quick aside: If I get the opportunity to vanquish or mete out a punishment for those who have wronged me, these people will be first) It’s interesting that this comment has come while I’m leading exercise class. NEVER say that the person leading your exercise class has gained weight everywhere – pregnant or not. By the end of the hour, if you’re still breathing, you’ll regret it.

I’ve also been told that I’m carrying low and that it looks like I swallowed a basketball. (I would argue a bowling ball). People like to call this to my attention in the grocery store. They’ll just point at me and say, “Boy!” - You can’t make that stuff up.

I’m at the church, CHURCH, bazaar last Saturday. This 70+ plus woman practically runs up to me and breathless asks, “What are you having?” “Boy,” I answer. Then she tells me her reasoning. I don’t remember what it was. I’m carrying low and to the left or high and right. Maybe she said my ass was too big. What struck me is what she said next. I had told her I already had a boy. So she says, “Now that is a mistake!!!!” (She just called my baby a mistake!) Then she says, “Boys will grow up, get a wife and leave you. But a girl, now a girl will always be with you!” I was dumbfounded. I’m sure I looked at her as such. Next time she I hope she keeps her co-dependant opinions to herself. I should donate to her kids’ therapy funds…

I saw her at church the next day and she acted as if he’d never seen me.

Old Wives Tale #7 – Drano
The drano test combines a tablespoon of Drano and urine together. If the mixture turns green, it’s a girl. If it turns blue, it’s a boy.

Who would do that?

Old Wives Tale #8 – Ring Test (This also works with a necklace)

Using a string, hang your wedding ring over your pregnant belly. You are having a girl if the ring swings back and forth and it’s a boy if it swings in a circle.

Wait!!! I think I hear someone at the door wanting to put my wedding ring on a string… Until next time.

Let me know what you think, if you’re bold enough.

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