Monday, April 18, 2011

One Year...

I’m not much of a “Mommy Blogger.” I like to use this space for other topics. But indulge me for once… It was almost exactly a year ago that I discovered, rather, it was revealed to me that I was pregnant. This news sent me into a veritable tailspin the likes of which I’d never seen. I don’t think I truly have fully recovered. I kept wondering, “How did this happen? And No, I don’t need a lesson on “the birds and the bees.” I do, however require a lesson on the failure rate of birth control pills!

All Consuming Blackness
The depression that followed was painful for all in my house. The blackness was smothering and hot, like covering up with a wool blanket in August. Not that I have firsthand knowledge, but from this experience I believe I know what drowning in quicksand might feel like. Heavy. Dark. Suffocating. Airless. The more you struggle and move, the deeper you slip into what may be an abyss. And then there’s the guilt. Women are supposed to be overjoyed with the news of pregnancy. I wasn’t. Not even a little bit. I did my best to feign excitement. Since most of my friends here are relatively new friends and don’t have years in the trenches with me, they may have actually bought my act. But and act was all it was.

I was thankful for Facebook. I had several friends from high school and college who were also pregnant. I’m truly thankful for Courtney, Brianna and Natalie. Between the three of them, I hoped they had enough pregnancy joy for me too.

New baby Reed.
 Like I said, the usual way...
Reed Ramsey Cadle came into the world in the usual way on November 5, 2010. There was drama, but it was well within the normal parameters for an event such as this. He came a couple of weeks early. This occurred because just the day before he and I had a bit of a “coming to Jesus meeting.” I told him he was cooked and it was time to meet the world and carry on like we intend to go. I was DONE having him inside me and to stay any longer would just be sadism. I’ll be damned if it didn’t work.

Laughing At Me
This IS NOT the laughing at me face,
but it's the closest I've gotten
 to actually photographing it.
He reminded me so much of his big brother that I called him Bruce for at least two weeks. Soon enough it became clear that I was dealing with a different personality all together. He began to smile and laugh. Unlike his brother whose smiles seemed sweet, angelic even; Reed often seemed to be laughing at me! Case in point… Several weeks ago Reed was diagnosed with RSV which stands for respiratory syncytial virus. But is should stand for HELL. You know you’re in trouble when you’re hastily shuffled from the pediatrician’s office with little more than “good luck and Godspeed.” Oh, I got a handout on when to take him to the ER. There should be a support group for parents whose children have come through RSV! We should have an asterisk or a star by our names in the phone book or something. 

6 day old Reed
Twenty four of the LOOONGEST hours later, I believe there’s a fair chance he’s dehydrated so back to the doc we go. Reed is a pitiful, crying, wet rag of a baby. As the nurse enters to initially evaluate him he perks up just a little. Then, just for half a second, he flashes me a knowing, wry, half smile as if to say, “Watch this…” At that moment he gives the nurse the biggest, toothless, gummy grim he can muster. She says, “I have to write down he’s smiling and playful.” “Of course you do,” I say. “Of course you do!” Like I said, LAUGHING AT ME.

Now that he’s here I harbor no ill will toward him. He’s a baby after all. I like a guy with a sense of humor and material in his pocket ready to use. I question his time and place of delivery, but he’s only 5 months old. That’ll come age…

This is for you Reed, baby mine! I love you!

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