It’s Father’s Day. I’m blessed to have my father around for another one. These days too many people I know are losing parents. But I’m not one to be downtrodden.
My dad – I call him “The Colonel” in this space – has always had an interesting turn of phrase. Through the years my brother and I have started to collect in our minds the sayings and phrases that are a part of his lexicon and now ours. If you’ve met “The Colonel” even briefly, you’ve no doubt heard a couple of these. Here are my favorites. My brother (The Major) is better at remembering them than I, but here are the ones I came up with.
· Somebody’s gonna get hurt! And it might me ME!!!!!
§ What he’d say when The Major and I would fight as children
· Hear me now and believe me later…..
§ When trying to impart some sage advice or worldly wisdom
· But Nooooooooooo!!!! (with a dip in the middle of the no)
§ When someone doesn’t accept his counsel – i.e. “I said Coach should have started “Smith” at quarterback. But Noooooooo. No one listens to me.)
· GET OUT OF THE AREA!
§ What he would shout as kids when The Major and I would horse around, get rowdy or generally act like irritating children. Often “Somebody’s gonna get hurt and it might be me” can be heard immediately preceding this.
· Police that up!
§ Army slang for “You better clean that up NOW!”
· Check her out and that’s legitimate…
§ What The Colonel says when he see a nice looking person on TV (not even beautiful really)
· Carrying no extra weight….
§ What he says when a person is physically fit
· BLOCK IT DAMMIT!!!!!
§ Almost a mantra during football season. This invective is shouted over and over again. In family lore, it’s said that at two years of age I would shout, “Block it dammit!” at the TV. I know my parents are proud of that one.
· Roll Tide!
§ The Colonel is a Crimson Tide super fan (that’s a blog for another day)! Any phone call or personal conversation can begin and end with “Roll Tide!”
· Pickin’ and Takin’
§ What my mother did when The Major and I were children. She spent most of her time “pickin’ and takin’” us from commitments when we’d call. I recall a song that went with this…. Something to the tune of “She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain.”
· Rush you out!!!!
§ As in, “Are we going to have to rush you out?” He says this when someone has to go to the ER or clinic. When he was in the Army most times it was just a easy to go to the ER than get an appointment at the clinic. Unfortunately for me I was at the ER tons as a child.
· Don’t ask!!!!! (My personal favorite)
§ The Colonel did two tours in Vietnam. Without all the exact dates in front of me, I can say that he was there off and on (more on that off) between 1967 and 1970. That said, if a popular song from that time plays or someone mentions something that occurred during that time he always says, “Don’t ask where I was!!!” Although he’ll tell you when he was there, if you ask what he was doing anytime between 1966 and say 1973 you get a big “DON’T ASK!!!!”
· Checking out of the net…
§ This is when someone is in critical condition or has a life threatening illness. “Bob has cancer. He may be checking out of the net.”
· Am I gonna eat? Or am I gonna starve to death?
§ This came from the original National Lampoon’s “Vacation” movie. He’s said it so long now, it’s like it was his own.
· Can you afford that?
§ What The Colonel says when you choose to eat a dessert or have a second helping of food. He’s referring to calories.
· Something to get up on.
§ This means that he will have one more drink. “Sure, I’ll have one more. I’ve got to have something to get up on…”
· Corn Squeezins’
§ This cracks me up because it so “unColonel-Like”. This is whiskey
· Can I have a TEENY TINY BREAK????
§ What The Colonel says when he see something on the news that he perceivable or unbelievable.
· Never heard of him… (Emphasis on never)
§ What The Colonel says when he sees a wildly famous person on TV. Now I’m not just talking about Justin Beiber or someone he really might not know. “Dad, look, Mick Jagger is on the news.” He’d answer, “Mick Jagger??? NEVER heard of him!!!” I’ll say, “Dad, a little band called The Rolling Stones????” He’ll say, “Don’t ask!!!”
· Thought about it. Wanted to. Didn’t do it.
§ What he says when he pretends to consider something. “Hey Dad, why don’t you get a tattoo or go bungee jumping?” He answer, “Thought about it. Wanted to. Didn’t do it?”
And my ALL TIME favorite: When The Colonel was ready for The Major and I to be out of his house and off his payroll.
“The gravy train is pulling out. AND YOU AIN’T ON IT!!!!!!”