Monday, February 11, 2013

Life with Dudley Do-Right

Sometimes the universe throws me a heck of a comedic bone.
Husband is the quintessential Boy Scout, honest-to-a-fault, Dudley Do Right.  As a federal law enforcement officer, he could never work under cover because he’s incapable of lying.  That’s good for me in that he’d also be incapable of adultery. 

Living with a person like this can be trying at times.  For instance he never EVER lets his vehicle get below ½ tank of gas.  Me?  I’ll dance with the devil and go ahead and let the fuel light come on from time to time.  Not long ago I took a picture of my dashboard with a reading of “3 miles till empty” and sent it to him just to wind him up.  I'm pretty sure I shaved a good 20 years off of his life with that one.

Tennesseeans will know what I mean here – The friendly and detail oriented group at the DMV couldn’t find enough proof that he was in law enforcement and therefore qualified for an “E” tag.  While that was getting sorted the tag expired.  He wouldn’t even drive the car to pick up the tag when sufficient evidence was gathered to prove that he is, in fact, in law enforcement. 

Sometimes at the grocery store one of the boys wants to eat a banana.  When that happens, I grab two.  One gets eaten.  I pay for one and ask them to put it back.  Husband has a HUGE problem with this - even when he is NOT with me.  Why? Because the banana I paid for is not the exact same weight as the one that was eaten.  Who cares?  It’s the weight of a banana.  We’re talking like a penny difference – two max!  I mentioned to him that when a manager sees me doing this, most often they tell me just to take the banana.  I choose an over ripe one anyway.  It’s such a small gesture that will keep a child occupied and not whining or screaming.  It’s a net gain in the store’s book, I’m sure. 

It’s similar with drinking a coke at the store.  I’ve told him countless times that you drink it while you shop and pay at the checkout.  Nope.  Not Husband.  He’ll pay for his Dasani up front, thank you.
There are strict rules regarding his law enforcement vehicle.  I respect these.  But he still takes them a bit to the extreme.  Unlike city police, federal law enforcement officers can’t have anyone ride in the vehicle.  That is passengers riding for pleasure purposes.  He can only have passengers who are going to jail. 

Now I think he’s pulling a “Boy Scout” on this one…For personal errands, he can only take the vehicle to lunch.  He interprets that as lunch – like only going for food.  He couldn’t go get a haircut during that time or even go to the drug store.  But they sell food there, I say.  He can see the pharmacy from his office, but I have to drive miles out of my way after work to pick up his prescription because it would be a federal crime for him to do so.  It’s exhausting. 
He doesn’t even usually by medicine with pseudoephedrine in it.  He doesn’t want to be on some list of potential meth manufacturers. 

This past Saturday the careful, super prepared David’s luck finally ran out.  Well he doesn’t subscribe to luck on such matters so I’ll just say it.  He failed to plan therefore he planned to fail – and I couldn’t be happier!

For some reason he was running his own errands preparing for an out of town trip.  In his mind I’m sure he was risking his very reputation by going to the pharmacy to purchase sinus medicine.  As I’m leaving Wal-Mart with both boys in tow, I hear my phone ring.  Come to think of it.  He’s was probably running his own errands to avoid going to Wal-Mart with me and two gripey children. 

The conversation went down like this.

Me:  Hello
Him: (mumbling and speaking softly) Ummm, Yeah did you hear my message from a few minutes ago?
Me:  No!  I’ve been in Wal-Mart AND I have both kids.  I can only hear you now because I’m in the car and I have them distracted with balloons and cookies.
Him:  (clearing his throat) I need you to go pick up my sinus medicine…
Me:  What?  I just left Wal-Mart and I’ll be damned if I’m going back in there.
Him:  Well… Um…  See…  They wouldn’t sell me any because my Driver’s license is expired.
Me:  (Silence – followed by bellowing laughter)  And you think you’re getting on a plane tomorrow?
Him:  Shut up!  Just shut up!
Me:  The only thing that would make this moment better was if you also needed dental work! (Husband hasn’t had so much as a filling)  I’m going to feed off this for years, you know that right?  This is even better than the time you lost your wallet… Or the time when you broke the camper.  Or the second time you broke the camper doing the exact same thing.

You see dear readers, this is the key to marriage longevity.  Forget the love and respect stuff.  People stay married because they are waiting for someone to screw up so uncharacteristically that you look forward to holding it over their head for years.

Now if I can just get him to need a cavity or root canal….

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