Friday, January 11, 2013

Me plus Dave plus guns – It’s gonna be racquetball all over again

Guns have been in the news a lot lately.  Or have you been hiding in a hole or on Mars?  Anne’s two-cents? Not that it’s worth even that much – the citizenry should have fire arms.  I don’t know enough to list specific models, but pistols, hunting rifles and the like.  What shouldn’t you have?  Again, can’t tell you makes or models, but much like the Supreme Court’s definition of pornography – “I’ll know it when I see it…”
But all that is neither nor there, or is it the purpose for this post.  With all this talk of guns, I wondered if I should carry a gun.  I mentioned it to David and his response was something like, “I’ve waited 20 years, for this.  If you weren’t my wife I’d hug you!” (that last bit is a quote we do from an old King of the Hill episode)  After about 30 seconds worth of thought, I changed my mind.  I need to carry a gun about like I need a prostate exam.  But I still wasn’t able to get guns out of my mind. 

Husband is a federal law enforcement officer, so we have guns.  Oh yes, we have guns.  And of course they are stored properly.  We should be the poster home for properly stored weapons.  I got to thinking…  In my mind we have enough weapons to arm a small third world country and I don’t have the slightest idea how to work any of them.  Perhaps that’s not the best course of action.  I’ve never worked the lawn mower, but I have a vague idea how to fire it up. 

Last night after the boys were asleep, Husband brought out gun after gun and made me touch them and pull the UNLOADED trigger.  I remained ambivalent about the whole exercise.

Husband is thrilled at the prospect of teaching me to shoot.  He can’t wait to take me to the “range” and properly teach me to shoot.  Here lies the rub, and he should know this.  We clash like Hatfields and McCoys when one does something well and tries to teach the other.  Prime examples:  anytime we do anything outside.  He goes all “expert” on me.  I end up feeling like an idiot, get mad and demand to go inside.  The same thing happens when I proofread something he writes, or I endeavor to teach him to dance. 
For this exact reason I didn’t sit near him on that fateful day we went whitewater rafting. (I’m crossing myself now even though I’m not Catholic – that experience was so horrific)  It would have been worse had we tried to paddle near each other.

The first time I noticed this behavior was when we were dating.  He was keen on racquetball and wanted to teach me.  I was keen on David, so I thought I’d let him.  First moment in the court, I don’t get an introduction to the rules or fundamentals - NOTHING.  No, David hits the ball into the corner at approximately 747 mph and it the ricochets all over the walls and eventually hits me.  In my mind this was like a scene from a cartoon.  The ball was going so fast it was a ball of flame.  He said I was supposed to hit the ball or get out of the way.  I don’t think I was even holding a racquet.  Mad doesn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling.  Seething is more like it.  There was cussing for sure!  That was the first and last time we played racquetball.

And with our history – he wants to teach me to shoot a gun….  This could get ugly.

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