Sunday, June 13, 2010

What's (NOT) in a Name

So husband comes to me the other day and wants to begin the “baby name” fight. “Fight?” you say. Of course, say I. You know a fight will ensue when the opposing party begins the conversation by saying, “Let’s talk about baby names, and I’m gonna WIN this round. Yes, win! You named Bruce and now it’s my turn.” His voice is dripping with antagonism and venom.

So, I’m forced to respond. “It was not exactly a hard-won victory when we would watch football and each player who was introduced, you would suggest that name.” I don’t even remember some of the names he suggested – probably Terrell Owens Cadle, Peyton Manning Cadle, etc. The suggestions got ridiculous. With a lack of an actual suggestion from my partner, I came up with some viable options for the name of the offspring.

5 Years Later…. Here we are – AGAIN… We’re faced with naming a person, which is a pretty big responsibility. As we don’t even know what flavor baby Cadle #2 is yet, I can’t be bothered to think of an actual name. But I started to research bad baby names. A couple of websites you must visit are, and . You’ll be glad you did. I also began to wonder what names I greatly dislike and why.

The following names and examples are my opinion ONLY. As I will hopefully illustrate, we all have names we dislike for reasons genuine and bogus. So if your name or that of your child is mentioned here, please don’t take it personally!!!!!!

Our personal experiences have ruined many perfectly wonderful names for us. Just ask a school teacher what names they’ll never, ever, ever, ever name their own children. But I’m getting ahead of myself. As the proceeding websites have done, I’ve tried to put my dislike into categories. Here are a few.

Nightmares from Childhood
In your early childhood hears you sit in a room for 8 hours every day with about 20 other children and a teacher. Everyone gets to know one another. There’s at least one who’ll refuse to conform and do what’s expected. You remember the kid in your class, elementary school most likely, who always RUINED EVERYTHING. He or she would never sit down, shut and up and behave. The class could be bribed with free time, art projects, recess, and I recall candy bribes a couple of times. All of these riches and more would be gifted to all if the entire class could cajole little so and so to behave.
You recall these characters. Every once in a while one of them would miss school and even the teacher would say something like, “We had a great day today.” No one wants to mention the elephant NOT in the room.

In first grade there was Danyetta. Not a name remotely in consideration, but lo these many years later I remember Danyetta. What WAS her problem? 
In the second grade there was Ryan. Ryan had a long Polish last name with too many consonants that not even the teachers could pronounce or spell. If that were my case, perhaps I’d be whiney and annoying too. So Ryan is out.
Third grade was also home to Devin York. He was a nice looking kid as I recall. He could have been one of the Von Trapp children. But he was defiant and belligerent one minute and the next amiable and helpful. Most times he was a mean bully. While not at school I called him Yevin Dork. Today he’s probably a preacher, CEO of a Fortune 500 Company, or in prison.

Fourth grade brought angelic Jody – a pretty girl who wore frilly dresses. Jody would cheat and steal and blame others for it. We all lost count how many times she was paddled in the hallway.

Hark! Something Canine this way comes…
Too many names lately remind me of a dog’s name. Sadie…. Seriously, parents!

There’s a name that’s SOOOOOO popular right now I will not even mention it. Growing up, my brother’s friend had a miniature daschund with this name. The dog was nice enough as I recall. My brother’s friend had a voice and a “Schick” he would do about the dog. It was hilarious and has rendered this name completely canine in my mind. . (Russellville, AR people: I’m talking of Tommy Merit’s dog)
Dakota and Bailey should be having puppies in the basement not sleeping over.
Lucy seems like a good idea, but……

Androgyny Progeny
During the most recent baby name fight, husband suggested “Morgan”. That name has two strikes in my book and I’ll tell you why.

Is Morgan a name for a boy or a girl? Husband didn’t know either. I know I hate having to guess the gender of someone before we meet if all I have is a name. To get a call for an interview for a job, employers want to know male or female when looking at your resume.
But Morgan is a Nightmare from Childhood as well. Picture it – 19?? (I’m not telling). I’m in kindergarten. We’re having cupcakes for a birthday or something. There are three others at my table. Morgan, who has just finished her cupcake, boldly states, “You can eat the paper around the cupcake.” Stunned – we all say nothing. She repeats. Then in an effort to prove us all wrong, Morgan ate the paper!!! We didn’t even bother to tell the teacher. We picked out jaws up from the floor, walked to the trash can and put our paper in it.
Nicky – don’t even get me started.
Hunter, Dylan, Ryan, Logan and Peyton I’ve always thought of as names for boys, until someone decided differently.

Why not look to Pop Culture?
I’ve read “Twilight.” While I don’t regret reading it, I’ll not be reading the other books or see the movies. If I liked the name Carlisle, Cullen, Edward or Isabella, I’d change my mind. People are a little “Twi-crazy” right now. In Bruce’s preschool class alone there was an Isabella, Belle, Bella and Izzy.
I could name him/her after my favorite Kardashian. They have both boys and girls don’t they?
Or I could use celebrity baby names. How about Apple, CoCo, Bronx Mowgli or Moxy Crimefigher? My mother would never speak to me again.

Other UNpossilities
Gary – all with this name I know have are misogynist who cheat on their wives. 
Gabe – I like this name. All Gabes I know are nice kids and good men. Bruce already call the baby this, but I just am not feeling it
Anything that ends in “i “: Don’t really know why on that one. Maybe it looks unfinished
Chelsea – I named a guinea pig that as a child

Will you know when I know?
I figure the world will know the name of Baby Cadle #2 when he/she makes his/her debut. Then you’ll be less likely to make fun of the chosen name.
But when little Levy Rufus or Hortense Maud arrives I hope you’ll tell me how you LOVE the name.

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