I saw this the other day and truly laughed out loud. This lady and are from different sides of the tracks as they say, but I liked her automatically. I LOVE someone who can laugh at herself. I try to do that in this space. Since this lady calls herself “crunchy,” I’ll be the opposite. I’ll be processed.
Since I don’t make YouTube videos, someone feel free to make this into one starring me….
I give you: Sh*t Processed Moms say:
· Am I having an epidural? Of course! Honey, I’ve got one right now.
· You had a baby at home in your bathtub? Was the home scheduled for demolition the next day? No! AND you still live there – interesting.
· A doula??? I think she'd get bored because I'm going to be on so so so many drugs.
· Why would I want the baby to sleep in MY hospital room? I’ve got him every night from NOW ON! Go ahead and watch him in the nursery tonight.
· Lactation consultant…. Is that an employee at Starbucks who find the perfect milk to pair with your coffee for the bolus of caffeine I’m about to consume?
· Eat my placenta? Are you daft? Are you a cannibal? No! You’re a daft cannibal!
· Extended breast feeding – Oh like until 6 months???
· Co-sleeping… What’s that? I paid a lot of money for that crib and custom bedding. Someone better dang well sleep on it!
· Are you serious? Who knew you could use cloth diapers for something other than a burp cloth?
· Homeopathic remedy for teething? I don’t have a homeo-whatis, but I do have some motrin!
· Hell no, I’m not going to the chicken pox party! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard lately! Wait. Will there be wine at the party?
· Play date? Sure! Whose turn is it to bring wine?
· What’s a nurse-in?
· Hey! Eat your chicken nuggets before you eat any junk!
· That nugget is still good. The 5 second rule totally applies!
· 2 words: BABY – SITTER
§ Baby - Wise
§ Scheduled - Induction
§ Completely – Vaccinated
· Why would I pour olive oil in his ear when it hurts? That’s a waste of perfectly good olive oil, and besides, I’ve got Tylenol.
Crunchy Mom, you and I can have a play date anytime! You bring the spirulina and I’ll bring the wine.