Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Sh*t Processed Moms Say

I saw this the other day and truly laughed out loud.  This lady and are from different sides of the tracks as they say, but I liked her automatically.  I LOVE someone who can laugh at herself.  I try to do that in this space.  Since this lady calls herself “crunchy,” I’ll be the opposite.  I’ll be processed.

Since I don’t make YouTube videos, someone feel free to make this into one starring me….

I give you:  Sh*t Processed Moms say:

·         Am I having an epidural?  Of course!  Honey, I’ve got one right now.

·         You had a baby at home in your bathtub?  Was the home scheduled for demolition the next day?  No!  AND you still live there – interesting.

·         A doula???  I think she'd get bored because I'm going to be on so so so many drugs.

·         Why would I want the baby to sleep in MY hospital room?  I’ve got him every night from   NOW ON!  Go ahead and watch him in the nursery tonight.

·         Lactation consultant….  Is that an employee at Starbucks who find the perfect milk to pair with your coffee for the bolus of caffeine I’m about to consume?

·         Eat my placenta?  Are you daft?  Are you a cannibal?  No!  You’re a daft cannibal!

·         Extended breast feeding – Oh like until 6 months???

·         Co-sleeping…  What’s that?  I paid a lot of money for that crib and custom bedding.  Someone better dang well sleep on it!

·         Are you serious?  Who knew you could use cloth diapers for something other than a burp cloth?

·         Homeopathic remedy for teething?  I don’t have a homeo-whatis, but I do have some motrin!

·         Hell no, I’m not going to the chicken pox party!  That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard lately!  Wait.  Will there be wine at the party?

·         Play date?  Sure!  Whose turn is it to bring wine?

·         What’s a nurse-in?

·         Hey!  Eat your chicken nuggets before you eat any junk!

·         That nugget is still good.  The 5 second rule totally applies! 

·         2 words:  BABY – SITTER

§  Baby - Wise

§  Scheduled - Induction

§  Completely – Vaccinated

§  Deodorant-User

·         Why would I pour olive oil in his ear when it hurts?  That’s a waste of perfectly good olive oil, and besides, I’ve got Tylenol.

Crunchy Mom, you and I can have a play date anytime!  You bring the spirulina and I’ll bring the wine.

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